It may be hard to believe, but yes, even us free and easy, pot-lovers have decorum, we’re not all beatniks with no worries and bad personal hygiene, you know. This gentility even extends to when we extend an invitation to our buddies to come retire with us to the drawing room* to smoke cigars**, drink brandy***, and discuss the finer things in life. Having cannabis customs when it comes to toking on bongs with friends is actually pretty important, but unfortunately, the first rule of any Stoner Circle seems to be that you don’t actually talk about the rules of the Stoner Circle. Guidelines for a genteel and civilized smoking session tend to be unspoken, and everyone is expected to know them, even if they’re new to the marvelous world of marijuana. Sometimes then, being a newbie in your first few Stoner Circles can make you feel a little awkward. It’s like being invited to Lord FitzWilliamMcHerbet III’s house and expecting to know which fork is the salad fork, and which one is the dessert fork, or how to eat a lobster without it exploding all down your best formal wear. With all these worries and potential hazards then, it’s understandable that you’re going to be concerned about offending someone, and you certainly don’t want to get kicked out and never be allowed to return, after all, that swan was delicious… But do not fret! Stoner Mountain has compiled a handy little guide into Bong Etiquette which will help you learn the ways of the Stoner Circle so you won’t ever get squeezed out for blazing on herb like a complete and total douchebag.
*garage **bongs ***beer
First rule of Stoner Circles: Sharing is caring – if you can’t bring cannabis, bring chips
One misconception about attending a Stoner Circle is that everyone should bring weed. But if everyone brought weed and nothing else, you’d all get the munchies and have nothing to eat. You’d all want to destroy zombie hordes, but no Dying Light or State of Decay to play. You’d all want to enjoy a fast-paced, high-octane, SFX masterpiece, but no movie to watch. You get the picture. So if you can’t bring the bud on a couple of occasions, bring food, beverages, music or a movie instead. Even if you’re stone cold broke this is no excuse to break the rule, bring anything, even if it’s just a smile and a story.
Second rule of Stoner Circles: Don’t waste the weed, and keep it green
When it comes to packing bongs for a Stoner Circle, you should never be stingy, but at the same time, don’t pack the flower bowl to the max. Fill it with as much weed that as many people within the Stoner Circle can enjoy, and then take you turn. Be careful that you don’t push yourself to your limits, because when the bud is still glowing and there’s smoke still in the chamber but your lungs have decided that they can’t possibly inhale another millimeter of cannabis smoke, you’re going to look a bit of a fool. And you’ve wasted weed. If this does happen to you, either take another puff to clear the chamber, or remove the bowl and get “blowing the ghost”. It may be awkward, but no-one else should have to deal with your stale leftovers. Oh, and don’t burn the entire green on the first hit. Licking out the delicious center of an Oreo cookie, then passing the bland biscuit to a buddy isn’t exactly what we would call sharing. Oh, and don’t pause to tell a story whilst holding the bong, no-one will be listening to you because they can’t hear you over the roar of their fading high. Once you have taken your hit, it’s common stoner etiquette to tap the rim lightly so that the green herb becomes visible again, before you puff, puff, pass it to your left.
Third rule of Stoner Circles: Speak up about cashed bowls and keep things squeaky clean
If you notice that the flower bowl is pretty much just ash, do not pass it on in the hopes that someone else will notice and remedy it. Yes, you may have to do some manual labor, making the necessary preparations for another round, but you’re not going to annoy your mates by being “that guy” who hands you this.
It is also important that when you notice the bong water is starting to look a bit peaky, you should get up and change it, and this normally occurs after every fifteenth toke. Yes, it’s rather like an annoying game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” if you’re unlucky enough to be the one who has to keep cleaning it, but remember, bong water is nasty, they wouldn’t even use it in chemical warfare, it’s that evil, and no-one wants their marijuana smoke being filtered through unsanitary and very stinky H2o. Let this also be a reminder for you to always remember where you’ve put the bong too, no-one wants to be culprit of knocking over someone’s beloved water pipe, breaking it, and unleashing a tsunami of vile water everywhere.
Fourth rule of Stoner Circles: Keep your bodily fluids and germs to yourself, thank you very much
If you don’t feel up to going to a Stoner Circle because you’re in bed with the flu, then don’t go. It’s not like trying to drag yourself out of bed and off to work. Calling in sick for a session is acceptable, because no-one wants to catch what you have. Contain your germs and spare your friends from the same, sickly fate as you. And please don’t do the following either, because it’s gross and unhygienic
- Don’t put your whole mouth around a tube-style bong like you’re trying to imitate a crocodile swallowing an antelope in one go. None of us want to see that, hear that or feel your spit around our lips when it’s our turn.
- Don’t keep touching the rim of the mouthpiece, especially if you’ve been munching on Cheetos or have just come back from the bathroom. Don’t look at us funny, we don’t know whether you’ve washed your hands or not.
- Don’t cough over the bong.
- And, most importantly — do not put your genitals in the bong.
So there you have it, Stoner Mountain’s Handy Guide to Bong Etiquette, A.K.A the Four Rules of Stoner Circles. Remember, if you follow these guidelines, you’ll be fine, and you’ll keep getting invited back to smoke with all your friends. Have you got any more tips or advice? Have you got any bong etiquette horror stories? Then why not share them, we’re all dying to know!